Grrrrr.......

Monster-in-law...

ENOUGH SAID!

A post for another time when I'm feeling less 'fragile'!

Well today is in fact another day....

Well as we all knew, today would be another day and yes I do feel better having unloaded onto you yesterday! I hope you understand that I needed to do that.

Today, I talked to my ma, she lives in Australia and whilst as a child and young teen I don't remember her ever having a period, probably because by the time I was commencing the menstrual cycle she had sadly had one miscarriage too many and had the lot taken out. I still remember that miscarriage, I was about 8 or 9 and I remember her being taken out of the house with a bloodied towel between her legs, gross I know, but that's what I remember. Maybe my memory is playing tricks on me I don't know but that's a flash from my memory banks that comes immediately to mind. Sad story, not what I intended at all, I do apologise (even though I said I never would!)

Anyway yet again I digress....I did warn you, I'm like that!

Mum was telling me that she started 'proper' menopause when she was about 45 so I'm about on track.....only thing, it lasted 7 years! WTF...7 years, please no, no, no, NO!

Hmmmmm I wonder what's normal, is there a normal timeframe for this, I don't know, do you?

I found this pic yesterday, 

on facebook of course. 

Got me thinking...another dangerous activity I indulge in from time to time.


At what point are we considered OLD....? 

 This could easily be the Monster-in-law and that yapper, the Girl Wonder and myself - made me smile and feel so much better after a harrowing night and morning of fragility. Mr Wonderful likes to make it sound nicer than I actually am and that's what he refers to it as - my fragility. Such an understanding kinda guy, I couldn't be without him. 

He makes it all okay again.

Wife of Wonder

The sadness descends....

Well, it had to happen I suppose.

 

I'm pretty certain now that I am in fact probably commencing my journey through perimenopause at the tender young age of 47!

 

Phfft *sigh* - 47, young, one number and one word that just don't fit together.

 

It happened last night, well early this morning actually. I will try to describe how I'm feeling and I will try to understand myself how I got here, might be therapeutic to get it out, then I might just be able to move forward in the fog, it might just clear the path for me to see through to the other side.

 

I know that this feeling will pass.

 

Last night after scrolling through many articles, blogs and health websites, some of which I found very interesting. Did you know that there are approximately 35 symptoms of perimenopause. I can relate to some but not all, that's why I'm thinking I might just be at the beginning of my journey.

 

Well after scrolling through many informative sites I decided to go to bed, Mr Wonderful was working through the night (he's a talkback host on radio) so I thought I'd hop into bed and be lulled into sleep listening to his smooth sounding voice into the wee hours. I think I made it to his first ad break and then I was ..... sheesh I have to sleep I'm so tired, lights and radio off!

 

At 4:30am, I awoke, startled, with tears streaming down my face and sobbing coming from somewhere deep inside me, I hadn't been dreaming beforehand, well not that I can recall anyway. I sat up, I stuffed the sheet in my mouth to quell the pathetic sounds coming from my body to avoid waking the Girl Wonder in the next room. She would worry and a 14 year old girl doesn't need to see her mother falling to pieces for no apparent reason, not for any reason actually.

 

I got up.

 

I washed my face and tried to think what had happened, it hadn't happened before. This was a new level of low for me.

 

The naughty Australian thought it was time to get up and stay up and didn't understand when I wasn't loving her back and wouldn't let her stay outside in the dark....she then proceeded to bark, just one sharp short bark every 30 mins from then on until Mr Wonderful came home at 7am.

 

I didn't feel any better when the time came to get ready for work, I showered, my tears mixing with the running water, my sobs drowned out with the falling of the water.

 

Still, I didn't feel any better. Can't explain it, just an immense sadness, just a feeling of absolute misery. A feeling of not wanting to be here anymore and when I say here I mean here on earth, I just wanted to fade away, disappear, not exist!

 

I bring nothing and take nothing with me, it's that simple!

 

Things have never come easy for me, ever!

I don't blame anyone for that, it's just the way it is.

 

This feeling of helplessness is bewildering as it is a new feeling for me, I've always had a strong sense of right and wrong and that good things happen to good people and that we make our own luck etc etc. I'm usually really positive and happy so I know that this feeling will pass and that good things will start to happen. I'm at the bottom of that barrel right now, but I will take stock, I will remind myself that tomorrow is another day and that any minute now, my Girl Wonder is going to burst through the door and bring light and laughter back into my day.

 

For her, I will forever be grateful that I am in fact on this earth and that I am a good mother and I'm determined to kick this menopause shit in the arse and rise above it!

 

I am strong.

I am woman.

 

 

Wife of Wonder



 

 

Where to start.....how to start....?

Okay, well.....today was a day for thinking things through, 

I spent probably far too much time thinking about what I wanted to achieve out of this, 

you know, 

like, 

what do I really really want to get out of it as it's going to take a lot of time and effort and is it going to work....well after today I think I need to be even more committed than ever! I have to be, there is no other way!

First I have to sit down and set some goals. Some real goals, not some antsy fancy totally unrealistic never gonna do it type of goals either! Real goals, achievable goals, I have to try to not set myself up to fail, I have to stop being a dreamer and become a doer! Easier said than done, I know, but from time to time we all need a kick up the backside and well, I kinda got one today....all my own work, I did it to myself.

My day started off okay, not brilliant but okay, for some mental reason (I blame it on my hormones - don't we all? No, we don't? I'm confused I thought we always blamed irrational, stupid, idiotic behaviour on our hormones....oh well, I did, I am...there can be no other reason, had to be the hormones, I'm sure I still have some left) Anyway, I digress.

Today I made the three biggest mistakes like ever....I'm warning you, don't do what I did, DO NOT DO IT! No good will come from it I swear, well not in that moment anyway. In fact you will be angry and grouchy and difficult and you will probably snap everyone's head off for the rest of the day....no, oh, is that just me! Ooops I apologise Mr Wonderful I didn't mean any of it, it's not your fault at all, it was mine, all mine, please forgive me and Girl Wonder, I didn't mean any of what I said, you can have a messy room as long as you like, I don't mind, it's your room, your sanctuary, your safe place, it's not your fault you have a mental mother please forgive me! 

Yeah as if - right!

Anyway I did the following, I don't know what made me do it, I just did and now I have to do something to change otherwise I am a total looser and not in a good way. Why do we do things we know we shouldn't? Today I did the three things on the list we shouldn't do unless we are feeling really really good about ourselves.

1. I looked in the mirror and I mean I really looked in the mirror, who is that woman, she looks familiar, a bit like mum, who is she....OMG she's me, and then....

2. I went to my wardrobe ...argh even bigger mistake. Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Time after time, I never fucking learn! 

But that's not the worst of it, I then did the biggie, 

3. I got on the scales! 

Oh My Fucking God

I freaking did all three! 

Am I mad? What the fuck was I thinking.....?

Time to turn the negative into a positive.

In approximately 979 days I'm going to be 50!

In 979 days I hope that I have lost around 20 kilos, is that even achievable? I don't know, it sounds achievable to me, I will break those down into smaller goals. In fact a first 'real' big goal for me will be to loose 10 kilos by 8 May 2014! 

Now, is that achievable, it's got to be really, doesn't it?

15 weeks to loose 10 kilos. Hmmm, I think I can do that, time will tell. 

Focus, focus, focus that will be my new mantra, instead of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, more, more, more!

If it is to be it's up to me...

If only flushing melted away body fat!

I'd be a skinny mini!

Oh well, I guess I actually need to move my body to make that happen, 

IF IT IS TO BE IT'S UP TO ME!

First things first.....

Where to start.....?

Where to start when you start something like this...?

I have no clue now that I've gotten this far.

How do I start this, how do I find my groove thing, what do I want to get from this? These are all very important questions and only I hold the answers. I think, I'm just gonna go with whatever pops into my teeny tiny little head.

I probably need to cover off a few things so we are all on the same page, perhaps I should start with the name of the blog, the reason behind the blog, forget about the *stars* that will appear within the blog, I'm sure it won't take long to get to know them.

The name: FLUSHPAUSAL - one of my oldest friends in the whole world suggested this name without knowing what I needed it for. I love it as it describes me spot on right now. 

Am I menopausal.....I don't think so, however, ask me when I'm in the middle of 'flushing' and I'd probably rip your head off so perhaps.....perhaps! 

Am I irrational.....I don't think so, well NOT ALWAYS (I say with my heart starting to race and pound in my chest) so.....perhaps.....perhaps!

Oh MY freaking god, I just googled "A Guide to Menopause: When It Begins......blah blah blah", why do I do that......it says most women begin menopause at 47.....argh, that's me, so......perhaps....perhaps!

However, I don't suffer from any other symptoms so perhaps, perhaps it's just going to happen without me knowing.

The age: (my age and reason for this) As mentioned above I'm 47 for goodness sake, how did that happen, where have I been? Was I asleep all that time?  Forty-seven! I'm not sure I should be 47. I haven't done anything yet. I really need to pull finger and do!

The reason: The reason, why do we do things? Because we can? Because we want to? I don't know the answer to that either? Jesus, I really need to think this through a bit more perhaps, perhaps! When I first thought of this, I was thinking it would be good to be creative again, it would be good to expand my brain power a bit, it would be good to pretend to be doing something important. 

And it could be all mine!

Now the last reason is actually very very selfish of me, why do I need something of my own...because I do, do I need a reason? Do I need to justify to anyone? Being a wife and mother can be draining (as we all know, nothing new there) however, having been a good, an excellent wife and mother I'm now 47 and wondering is that all there is? Are you fucking serious....is that all there is? No, there is heaps more to do out there, I've an amazing husband and daughter who love me to pieces and I love them more but......I need to find me again.....I've been swallowed up with nurturing them and making the 'right' decisions for them first. I can live with that but I now need to do something for me.....SO, here I am, I am going to use this to INSPIRE ME, not you, ME. So if I seem a little self indulgent at times - too bad, because actually it's all about me, me, me, me!

In three years I'll be 50, half a century, life is almost over, my best years will be behind me in every sense so to motivate me to get back the best of me I will need to put up goals that I will have to achieve otherwise you will all think I'm full of shit, which I am most of the time perhaps....perhaps!

I've waffled, I've distracted myself, I've even gone off on tangents that are totally unrelated to what I intended here....but that's what I do, I'm good at it, it's what makes me tick.....talk about multi-tasking.....my brain is constantly multi-tasking... so whilst I multi-task and go and do the dishes as well I'll say see you later for now and hope that in time I have something a bit more interesting, a little bit more entertaining, perhaps even a little bit educational (nah bugger that, nearly swore again!). 

I think this journey is going to be a goodie, hang in there with me!

I am the wife of wonder!