Well, it had to happen I suppose.
I'm pretty certain now that I am in fact probably commencing my journey through perimenopause at the tender young age of 47!
Phfft *sigh* - 47, young, one number and one word that just don't fit together.
It happened last night, well early this morning actually. I will try to describe how I'm feeling and I will try to understand myself how I got here, might be therapeutic to get it out, then I might just be able to move forward in the fog, it might just clear the path for me to see through to the other side.
I know that this feeling will pass.
Last night after scrolling through many articles, blogs and health websites, some of which I found very interesting. Did you know that there are approximately 35 symptoms of perimenopause. I can relate to some but not all, that's why I'm thinking I might just be at the beginning of my journey.
Well after scrolling through many informative sites I decided to go to bed, Mr Wonderful was working through the night (he's a talkback host on radio) so I thought I'd hop into bed and be lulled into sleep listening to his smooth sounding voice into the wee hours. I think I made it to his first ad break and then I was ..... sheesh I have to sleep I'm so tired, lights and radio off!
At 4:30am, I awoke, startled, with tears streaming down my face and sobbing coming from somewhere deep inside me, I hadn't been dreaming beforehand, well not that I can recall anyway. I sat up, I stuffed the sheet in my mouth to quell the pathetic sounds coming from my body to avoid waking the Girl Wonder in the next room. She would worry and a 14 year old girl doesn't need to see her mother falling to pieces for no apparent reason, not for any reason actually.
I got up.
I washed my face and tried to think what had happened, it hadn't happened before. This was a new level of low for me.
The naughty Australian thought it was time to get up and stay up and didn't understand when I wasn't loving her back and wouldn't let her stay outside in the dark....she then proceeded to bark, just one sharp short bark every 30 mins from then on until Mr Wonderful came home at 7am.
I didn't feel any better when the time came to get ready for work, I showered, my tears mixing with the running water, my sobs drowned out with the falling of the water.
Still, I didn't feel any better. Can't explain it, just an immense sadness, just a feeling of absolute misery. A feeling of not wanting to be here anymore and when I say here I mean here on earth, I just wanted to fade away, disappear, not exist!
I bring nothing and take nothing with me, it's that simple!
Things have never come easy for me, ever!
I don't blame anyone for that, it's just the way it is.
This feeling of helplessness is bewildering as it is a new feeling for me, I've always had a strong sense of right and wrong and that good things happen to good people and that we make our own luck etc etc. I'm usually really positive and happy so I know that this feeling will pass and that good things will start to happen. I'm at the bottom of that barrel right now, but I will take stock, I will remind myself that tomorrow is another day and that any minute now, my Girl Wonder is going to burst through the door and bring light and laughter back into my day.
For her, I will forever be grateful that I am in fact on this earth and that I am a good mother and I'm determined to kick this menopause shit in the arse and rise above it!
I am strong.
I am woman.
Wife of Wonder
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